30. Showing My Work: Choosing Softness on a Hard Path

Welcome back to 3D Authenticity! Today's episode is a little different from the norm. This is just Jennifer speaking candidly from the heart and “showing her internal work.” 

In this more personal episode, Jennifer shares what's been happening beneath the surface during a very driven and intentional season of her life, and how a moment of grace on a drive to the Outer Banks reminded her about the cost of hardness, the courage of softness, and the beauty that is always waiting to be seen.

In this episode, Jennifer explores:

✅ What it feels like when the driven, goal-oriented mode starts to cost you something

✅ The identity shift that happens when an introverted, quiet soul decides to shout something important from the rooftops, and the discomfort that comes with it

✅ Why softness is not weakness and why Jennifer believes it is one of the bravest choices any of us can make

✅ Beauty as a core value –– what it really means, why it matters, and how it facilitates peace, healing, and a return to yourself

✅ The cost of keeping your shield up

Ways to Connect

💜 Join the Waitlist for Jennifer's 3D Authenticity Small Group Coaching Program (Doors are opening Very Soon, so be sure to sign up so you don’t miss the announcement!) 

💜 Email: 3dauthenticity@gmail.com 

💜 Download Jennifer's free guide: The High-Achiever's Identity Crisis: 10 Questions That Reveal Who You Actually Are Beneath the Achievements

Join the Journey 

If this episode moved you or made you think, hit subscribe and share it with someone who could use a reminder to soften this week. 

And if you want to write to Jennifer about how your journey is going, please do! She means it when she says she wants to know!

Know who you are.  Love who you are.  Live who you are.

Transcript

Jennifer 0:08

Hello and welcome. My name is Jennifer Wade, and this is 3D Authenticity, where we talk about all things related to building a life in the real world that authentically reflects your core being. No matter if you're a chronic people pleaser or you're knee-deep in a major identity crisis, or especially if you've given up believing you can have a deeply fulfilling life, it's time to learn how to love who you are and unapologetically live your one-of-a-kind life. Join me for a deep dive in how to do exactly that. Hello, my friends, and welcome back to the 3D Authenticity Podcast. I am your host, Jennifer Wade, and I know that I say this every time, but it is so true. I am so glad that you're here with me today. Thank you for your time. Now I have just gotten back from a little spring break mini vacation of sorts to my beloved Outer Banks in North Carolina. And I had some time to slow down and reconnect with nature, which I always love. But it's always an opportunity to reconnect with myself. And interestingly, I had a whole other topic planned for today, but I am going to save that for another time. Because I ended up being really inspired over this little time away to offer up a very different topic this week. I want to talk with you a little bit more candidly. And so that means I'm not going to teach anything specific. I'm not going to give you a framework or talk about some strategy to implement in your life. I just want to talk from the heart today. And I really hope it lands in a meaningful way for you. So I want to share a little bit about what I've noticed has been going on in my internal experience recently, in case it might be of help for you either now or at some point in the future. Now, I should say it's not like there's been anything dramatic playing out of my life recently. It's nothing like that. But in this new chapter of my life that started, I would say probably about a year or so ago, I am being very intentional about stepping into bigger arenas of discomfort. And I'm doing that with a very clear purpose in mind. I'm definitely stepping into that discomfort because I believe it serves something greater. So it's very important. But it is discomfort all the same. So, as I'm sure you can understand, discomfort stirs up a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts. And that is just as true for me as it is for anyone else. And it's not easy to simply sit with discomfort. And although it's important to be able to do that, I feel like after having felt pretty calm and steady internally for a long time now, there's definitely a lot more roller coastering going on inside than I would say there has been for most of the recent years of my life. So as a result, many things have been coming into my awareness. And it's really meaningful for me to talk about them here. It feels important because it's basically just me being honest with you. It's showing you my work, so to speak. You know, I teach people about managing discomfort and noticing it and choosing how to meet it. So it only seems fair to me to be honest about it when I'm going through it. So my hope is that this kind of sharing will resonate with you and maybe even help you to stay connected to something deep within yourself. So this is me truly doing my best to practice what I preach. So I'd say one of the things that has been catching my attention recently is actually just how grateful I am to past versions of myself for having prioritized cultivating the ability to watch my own internal experience as it's happening. Being the observer and not being so caught up in the story of my thoughts and my emotions. It's just so that I can see them with a little bit of distance. And meditation has definitely helped with that. Being aware of my internal state, being intentionally connected to what I'm sensing in my body has definitely helped this. I am so much better at sensing things as they come up instead of realizing these things were present, but not until months later when I'm sort of caught in the storm of trying to figure out why I am so burned out or why am I feeling so closed off. So there's that. But something else, pretty big, has been coming up recently too. And I've been aware of it for a little while, and I'm not surprised by it at all. But it is something that I have felt I needed to keep my eye on. And I think it starts with me just owning the fact that I have been driven lately, really driven, really focused. I believe so much in the 3D authenticity message. And I want it to be out there in the world, and I want it to reach a much broader group of people. So I've been very purposeful and strategic and very focused recently about doing that, which is not a bad thing. I mean, it's actually, it feels very aligned to me. I'm building something that I believe in deeply, and there's a lot of work that goes into that. And that is really quite special. There's nothing wrong with that. And at the same time, all of that forward motion requires me to move through the world in a way that I am absolutely not used to. I know I've said it before in the podcast, but it is true. I am a deeply introverted person. I love people, especially in small groups, but I don't love initiating things. I don't love initiating conversations or initiating friendships. I'm just not naturally the person who goes up to someone randomly and starts talking. I mean, historically, I've not been the person to reach out and set up coffee dates. I just typically wait to be asked. And honestly, I side note here, I have so much appreciation for some of my very dearest friends because I know we're friends thanks to their repeated efforts to get to know me in the early days. So shout out to you guys, you know who you are. But taking that even further, for the vast majority of my life, I have not been the person who puts myself forward for opportunities when there hasn't even been an ask. And I don't just volunteer myself. I'm not the person who just sends emails to people that I don't know asking for something. That has always been such cringe territory for me. My comfort zone, my happy place is actually just being the person who loves shining the spotlight on others, not the person who's asking for the spotlight to be shown on me. But that's changing by design these days. The truth is that I am in the middle of a pretty huge identity update. I'm having to update the story I'm telling about myself because this material that I believe in so much, this framework for authenticity, needs me to be someone who does initiate the conversations. It needs me to be someone who does claim every opportunity to connect with people. I feel like I'm the custodian for what I teach, and I want to share it with as many people as possible because I know how many of us struggle with feeling unworthy on the inside, even if we wouldn't ever say that out loud. And I know how many of us dream of living a different life, but have no idea how to make that happen, let alone the courage to actually do something about it, especially if there's a chance that people might judge us for it. I also know from experience that it doesn't have to be that way. So it's like I just want to shout that truth from every rooftop. Me, this introverted, highly sensitive, quiet soul, wants to shout it from the rooftops. So yeah, that's a huge identity shift. And that's also a lot of discomfort. There's also a lot of conviction that comes from knowing this is deeply aligned with my sense of purpose and my values that makes the discomfort more tolerable, thank goodness. But like I said, shouting from the rooftops, spreading the word and being seen has required a lot of hard work and a lot of strategy. It has required a lot of showing up and asking to be seen. It has meant setting really hard goals for myself and being relentless about trying to achieve them. So basically, it has been for me so much doing. And as someone who teaches how important it is to connect with your being, I have to say, every so often, I've wondered if I've tipped the balance too far. But what I've really been picking up on, the thing that I think led me to want to document this here in the podcast, is that I have felt disconnected from that place of internal calm and trust and peace that I have carried with me for many years. I have felt a little separated from that, which is a pretty big alarm bell for me. There's a hardness that I've sensed starting to develop, which I knew is a sign that I needed to do some reflecting before I went too far out of alignment. I have felt it in my body. I have felt this tightness, and my dreams have actually become kind of driven dreams, which is pretty unusual for me. And I've just felt like I am grasping for outcomes, like I am white knuckling my way towards this vision for 3D authenticity at any cost, instead of moving toward it with an open heart, a heart of service, which is what I want to lead me always. I hope that makes sense. Do you know that feeling? Have you ever recognized in yourself that mode where everything becomes about the next thing, the next goal or the next step? So when I've been flirting with that energy, I feel like my brain doesn't ever come to a full stop. It's like I'm scanning the horizon constantly for the next thing that's going to move me forward. And then even in the good moments, the ones that are genuinely worth celebrating, the ones that are genuinely beautiful and a reflection of hard work paying off, those moments just don't seem to touch me quite as deeply because I'm already thinking about what's coming next. And that for me is such a clear sign that I need to check in with myself. So I did. And again, that leads me to having so much gratitude for my past self for having cultivated the tools to notice this trend early on before it turned into something really unhealthy or misaligned. So that's the frame of mind I was headed in as I went into this mini vacation. And I knew I needed to recalibrate a little bit. And I feel so lucky that I did have a little bit of time to get away this week and sit with what feels like this contradiction happening inside of me. There's this genuine and pure desire to get 3D authenticity out there for more people, right alongside this very wise part of me that knows not to try to control the uncontrollable or not to try to force something before it's ready. So I just really wanted to take this time to find the middle road between those things as best as possible. And of course, wouldn't you know it? When you give yourself some time and space, answers often come. So there I was, driving on my way to North Carolina, and I was listening to an audiobook that brought me right back to what it feels like to move through the world from a place of love rather than from a place of effort. And I was immediately reconnected to the sense of softness rather than that pushing feeling of constant strategy. And I swear, something in me just gave way. It just released. And literally felt like I had been holding my breath for weeks. And finally, I just remembered that I could exhale and let go. And I felt lighter. I literally felt like the hardness that I'd been holding in my body was just melting away. And it felt like home. And I know that that may sound a little poetic or a little touchy-feely if you've never experienced that kind of thing. But it's real. And it just confirmed to me that my instincts about needing to find softness again were spot on. Because I know myself well enough to know that when I soften, I start to see beauty everywhere. I can love more easily. I can be more patient with myself and with other people. And I can be more present and I can be more generous. There is nothing about my day-to-day experience that doesn't improve when I soften like that. But on the other hand, when I'm in that hard and driven grasping mode, it's like I narrow out the world. I am functional and I'm extremely productive, but I'm not 100% present. I'm moving through my life like I'm just checking off a to-do list. And yes, in this case, it's a very good, worthy to-do list, but that mode comes with a cost that I'm just not prepared to pay. I am not prepared to disconnect from the experience of being fully alive and present in the small moments. I'm not prepared to make a habit of overlooking beauty or overlooking a chance to connect with someone because I'm chasing a goal. So it's on me to find a path that allows for both. And it's on me to accept whatever that means. If it means achieving the goal more slowly, fine, okay. If it means adjusting my schedule to make more space, fine. If it means reminding myself at the beginning of every day that outcomes are beyond my control, and finding ways to practice being completely okay with that, it's worth it to me. I think it just basically comes down to the fact that I like the person I am when I can see beauty practically everywhere. I like the person I am when I'm filled with gratitude for the tiniest things. I like who I am when I notice the quality of the light coming in through the window. Or when I can slow down enough to care about making a stranger smile. There is so much beauty everywhere, and I want my eyes and my heart to always be open enough to see that. So this is where I get really vulnerable with you. This feels very, very personal to me, but here we go. Beauty is actually one of my values. And I used to be a little worried about sharing that because I didn't want people to understand that as something shallow. Because for me, beauty is anything but shallow. Of course, yes, I do appreciate aesthetically pleasing things. I do, I love that. But I'm talking about the beauty of small human interactions, like uh friends glancing at each other and having an entire unspoken conversation just in that so in that little second. Or I'm talking about the beauty of the wind picking up a dandelion seed and carrying it beyond my sight. Or the beauty of an utterly exhausted mother waking in the middle of the night to feed her newborn. All of that just humbles me. And I believe beauty is such a gift of grace and it exists everywhere. It's in the natural world, it's in human beings and small, unremarkable moments of an ordinary day. It's there, even in the midst of suffering. And I want the eyes and the heart to see that always. I deeply believe that beauty facilitates peace and stillness and healing, especially the beauty of the natural world. I believe it invites us inward toward the most true parts of ourselves. And I believe that most of us, especially those of us who are driven and capable and high-achieving, I think we tend to walk around with our shields up in ways that make it very hard to receive the healing qualities of beauty. So for my part, I sensed that I was approaching that danger zone. And thankfully, some wise deep part of me pulled me back before I got to the edge. And it's not like I think we ever put the shields up on purpose. I think it just kind of happens because life is demanding and we feel that we need to stay practical and focused and realistic. But that shield to me feels like it's being forged by a sense of responsibility. Which again, to a certain extent, is appropriate. That's not a bad thing. But letting the shield become a full-time armor has a tremendous cost. It costs us presence. It costs us that healing quality of beauty. And it costs us that felt sense of being connected to what actually nourishes us. So, okay, here's what's been floating around in my head. Softness allows me to connect with all the things I value, like beauty and like gratitude. And as much as I have been goal-driven in the quote-unquote real-world business world recently, I want to say something out loud that I don't think I say often enough. One of my deepest, longest-held goals for the much bigger arc of my life, and arguably the more important arc of my life, is to become softer. I want to become progressively, intentionally, and courageously softer. But I think it is so important to acknowledge that, oh, I'm just painfully aware that softness gets a bad reputation. It is routinely mistaken for weakness, for being naive, for being a quality of someone who doesn't see the world clearly or can't handle what's in it. Trust me, when I was younger, I was told that about myself. And I thought there must be something really wrong with me. But thankfully, with time and inner work and learning from wise teachers, I've come to know that the opposite is true of softness. Choosing softness is one of the bravest choices a person can make. Hardness is actually the easier path. Hardness keeps things out. Hardness says, this is too much, so I refuse to feel it. I don't want to bring it close. I'll just manage it from a distance. And to be fair, in the short term, that does work. It's efficient, it's protective. But softness is an entirely different approach. Softness says I want to feel all of it. I accept all of it. I choose to feel the grief and the sadness and the beauty and the horror and the joy. I choose to be soft enough to receive the full, unedited range of what it means to be human. I want to stay open to all of it. And I will never be convinced that this is weakness. That in my book takes extraordinary courage. And it's the only way I know to stay truly connected to your humanity and this glorious gift of being alive. Now I'm not saying being alive is always easy. It isn't. Trust me, I have been to dark and painful places. I know. But I even think those moments were beautiful. Not as I was living them, but to be sure, I think they are precious. And beautiful now. So I guess my reason for wanting to share all of this today is to encourage you to try to remain soft. To be soft enough that beauty can seep in, not just intellectually, but at that deep touch your soul level. Let it be an antidote to any hardness you may be feeling. Slow down. Lower your defenses enough that you can take in a beautiful view and be moved by it. Or a piece of music. Or a person's face. Your own face, even if you're not in that fr uh mode of criticizing it. When we let beauty in, it has a way of loosening our very tight grip on everything. Our body actually relaxes, and something does shift within us. So before I end this today, I just want to connect this to the work of being our authentic selves. So there is extraordinary beauty that exists inside each and every one of you, my dear listeners. I mean that. And I hope there are moments when you can actually feel that. I want you to be able to soften toward yourself. You are not just some collection of your flaws and failures and the ways that you haven't yet become who you want to be. You are a specific, unrepeatable human being with a particular way of loving and seeing the world and moving through the world that has never existed before and will never exist again. That is extraordinary. One of the most persistent forms of suffering that I see is people who struggle with this, who struggle with the ability to see this in themselves. People who have been so long in the habit of cataloging all their inadequacies that they've lost the ability to see their own shining beauty.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

So what would it take for you to see yourself with tenderness? With some genuine appreciation for who you are. Wouldn't life feel better that way?

Jennifer 24:27

So I don't know if seeing the beauty first allows us to soften or finding a way to soften allows us to see more beauty. But my sense is that it really does flow both ways. So whatever works for you, do that. But that's my invitation to you this week. Soften and look for beauty. See how that changes your experience from the inside out. And see how good that feels. And then remember it so that you can find your way back again if you sense the hardness coming on. That's what I'll be doing this week. And it would be comforting to me to know that others are aiming for that too. So write me about it if you want to. I always want to know how your journey's going, and you know, I will write back. And with that, my friends, I think it is time to wrap this up. So thank you as always for being here. It truly matters to me more than you know. And if you are enjoying this podcast, it would mean so much to me if you would leave a rating or a review, or consider sharing this podcast with someone you know who might get something out of it. Let's just keep building our community, one beautiful soul at a time. So, my friends, please do take care of yourselves, be well, and be you unapologetically. Until the next time. Bye for now.